Donuts for Sharks

If you’re reading this, it means we aren’t even a seventh of the way done here.

PG-17 (for dramatic themes andperverted thoughts)

Warnings:It’s novel-like: I’mexploring themes and working up the plot. Suggested & historicalunder-aged slash.

Darn, I was hoping this wouldn’t be for a few more chapters. But Idle Hands? Who do you think you’re fooling? What is the theme you’re exploring? Why does this theme require “suggested and historical under-aged slash”? What is historical slash? Are we going to see a flashback of Willy Wonka with a bunch of greased up little Oompa boys?

At 21 chapters, I’m not calling this a crack fiction, Idle Hands honestly believes that this story has some merit. And he’s putting his hard work and love into it. It’s a shame that his love is so forbidden. No, that’s the wrong word. I meant to say illegal.

This is it. The point where we stop slogging through thousands of words of build up to get to a man having sex with a minor. Goody. Shudders.

Hit the jump if you dare.

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Continuing to Volume 2 of what is a 21 part series. There’s a lot that I don’t want to go into, but the length of this fan fiction (which comes from a website called adultfanfiction.net) alone says a lot about Idle Hands. This isn’t something he did with his left hand idle, we aren’t chronicling the erotic excitement of a pedophile through fiction, this is an honest to God tale.

That means that this author imagines that this story has merit. No one goes through a few thousands words before diving into the sex.

Or maybe he self-identifies with Willy Wonka. I don’t want to think so, but let’s continue with this tale. Starting with the new rating!

PG-13 (for dramatic themes, possibleslash)

POSSIBLE SLASH?YOU MEAN YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR OWN FAN FICTION?

I don’t blame him, press on after the jump!

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Spud here:

I’m finished with a year of school. Instead of celebrating, Kevin wants me to amuse you clowns by giving a bunch of fan fictions the old Roger Ebert treatment.

So to start your palates I’m gonna work through a big one. “Is It Scary” is a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fan fiction about god knows what. Probably sex. It was written by Idle Hands and I can only pray that his hands remain idle for the rest of his life and forever after his death.

This fan fiction is 21 chapters long and has spawned a sequel, because the public demanded it. By the way, that makes this fan fictionlonger than the novel.

So Let’s Read. God help all of you. I’m leaving in all the grammar errors.

To start, Idle Hands gives us a rating and a warning.

Rating:PG (for dramatic themes)

Warnings: I’m headed somewhere with this, don’texpect it to stay tame.

Sir, you have underestimated my expectations. Catch the rest after the jump!

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For the first time ever, you can hear my voice on WGMU Radio’s The Robe! I new program where I play music and share facts in a robe.

Check it out!

http://wgmuradio.com/

I wonder if I can go to home depot and request for only the racist swatches?

There.There is your blog post for today. Overtime, these may even get more detailed!

-Spud

MM (name withheld) only started writing a couple years ago, but at [age redacted by request] he’s seen more, done more, and grown more beard than most writers. He has written eight articles and over 100 topic pages for Cracked.com, recently finished Cat’s Claw, his first science fiction novel, and is editor-in-chief of the writer’s conglomerate Wordplague. He is also very nice. We had about an hour to discuss comedy.

Eric: When did you start writing?

MM: Two years four months ago.

E:What made you decide to start writing?

MM: Started writing cause coming home and watching TV was getting boring. Had a chance to write for a major comedy site, so I took it.

E:Comedy writing is tough as hell though. Why did you think comedy was a good place to start?

MM: Comedy and horror are supposedly the two toughest things to write. Start with the hard stuff, and get decent, and the rest will be easy, right?

E: I recall Roald Dahl saying something similar in an anthology of horror stories he helped put together.

MM: Stephen King and Isaac Asimov said the same

E: What have you learned about comedy writing since then?

MM: One little word can make the difference between a smile and a belly laugh. It is that finely tuned an art. It’s damned hard too, but worth the effort, and random F bombs are no where near as funny as people think.

E: Why do you think good comedy needs to be so precise?

MM: Well, you are going to be read by a wide range of people. sure, you can stick to one comedy genre, but by doing that you alienate half the audience. Layering jokes inside jokes, a reference inside a similie, you appeal to the widest range

E: Did you learn that from experience?

MM: No. From several very awesome editors who repeatedly hit me in the face with it.

E: How many slaps in the face did it take for your article to get 1.9 million views?

MM: Not many. I am not a slow learner, just methodical. When I went into the workshop, I spent the first week reading everything.

E: You learned from the feedback the editors were giving other writers.

MM: Partially. Some by the feedback I got, some by simply watching the experienced writers.

E: Can you talk about some of the mistakes/feedback you saw?

MM: The biggest one people seem to make is thinking any old funny shit will do. They forget they are writing for a very specific market, with very specific requirements.

Then there is the wacky character piece.

E: Rant away

MM: Those - they drive me wild. look a good Kinnison rant can be funny. If you care about the person writing it. Take seanbaby - he can do them for the rest of his life and we will love them. Because we know him - or the part of him he is willing to show. Some random person - they come off like the cat lady when you step on on of her darlings tails rant comedy is probably the hardest to do well - yet it seems the easiest.

E: It’s very easy to tell when you’re not really emotional about something, even in writing.

MM: Always. No emotion and it goes flat.

E: You always put yourself into your writing - matters not if it is comedy, fiction or a thesis.

MM: If you are not invested, it reads like the word equivalent of grey.

E: So how did you get emotional about your own articles, and Cat’s Cradle, (It’s actually Cat’s Claw)?

MM: Each of my articles has been something I feel strongly about. Cat’s Claw - I really wish I had written Cats Cradle! - it is, underneath the action and violence, a story of how a person needs both friends and love to get by.

E: I like how you put that. It implies that as long as a writer has an underlying theme they feel strongly about, the writing can come through. Do comedy articles need a theme? Would all the jokes have to orbit a central thesis?

MM: I think so. If you can get one of the editors, they’d explain it better, but the underlying thesis to me is give people new information - it’ll make them uncomfortable, so make them laugh about it.

E: A new way of looking at things

MM: Yes. Hopefully a saner way – that is what comedy is ultimately for.

E: For what?

MM: To make the unbearable acceptable. How many jokes about death do you know?

E: Good jokes?

MM: Any jokes.

E: Plenty

MM: And every joke makes it a little more acceptable, right? Black humor is rife in professions that risk death daily. It is a way of coping.

E: And do racist jokes exist to make people more accepting of minorities?

MM: Good question. Being my age, I remember when blacks were still second class citizens (just - the freedom riders thing happened when I was still under 10). I think the jokes defuse the tensions for most people. There will always be assholes, but most people just want to go along and get along. A joke turns an object of fear into an object of fun. Something non threatening. Thankfully, that is dying out now.

E: Who is your favorite comedian?

MM: Flanders and Swan

E: What makes them so funny?

MM: It is the observational humor, constrained to lyrics.

E: What is your favorite joke?

MM: What do porcupines eat?

E: What?

M: Prickled onions

E: And to wash the taste of that joke out of my brain, what advice do you have for anyone trying to be a writer?

MM: Write. Every day, without fail. Soon you too will fit a shitting scene into a novel.

You can find all of MM’s writing for Cracked here.

Brian McElhaney and Nick Kocher have spent the past few years teaming up with their friends and creating some amazing stuff. They’re stuff is all sketch comedy, which means every video is a new situation, with new characters and a new universe, essentially. To be fair, a lot of the universes are about unresolved frustration issues. 

You can find their youtube channel here.